angel in disguise

warning! this is going to be an emo post.

today, i got home at 6-ish in the morning. i was crying. crying till my eyes were swollen, puffy and bloodshot, until my head throbbed till i could hear the thumping of my head resounding in my ears and till my nose was all blocked, i had to breathe through my mouth.

the funny thing is, i cried over something so small, or something so ironic that in the case of others', it would have been smiles rather than tears. i was waiting for a cab to get home from em's place around 5-ish in the morning cos i wanted to miss peak hour surcharge. em had given me 20 bucks to get back, but i had a feeling it wasn't quite so enough, so we waited for a nets cab.

felt lucky for once, cos we didn't have to wait long for a nets cab, and before i knew it, i was in the cab. and then i saw that there was actually ongoing midnight surcharge which was moving up the meter at a super fast rate. and then i realised something horrible. i left my pouch at em's. so there was no way, no way at all 20 bucks could cover my cab fare. on a normal day, with no extra charge, my cab fare to and fro his place would cost around 21-22 bucks.

i freaked. i called em, over and over, but he didn't pick up. and then i was thinking to myself, shit. God is punishing me. he is punishing me for leaving camp halfway. so there i was, stressed and panicky, exacerbated by 3 days of accumulated lack of sleep. i decided to tell the uncle "uncle, i'm so sorry, i left my pouch over at my friend's place, so i only have 20 bucks on me, so i think you just stop me at harbourfront. and then the uncle said "huh, then how are you going to go home?" so i just mumbled "err, bus i guess.." (though i was highly doubting that, considering i didn't have a single cent on me, or my ez link.

in that instance, i really felt like shit. at my pit's end. i felt like a lost sheep. there wasn't enough energy in me to be calm, rational, or composed. the uncle then replied "nevermind, it's okay, i'll send you home". and that's what did it. i felt so bad, i started bursting into tears. i cried, cried so hard, when em finally picked up his phone, i couldn't talk properly. it was an insurmountable indescribable feeling i could hardly put into words. i felt niceness beyond anything else, i felt grace. i felt God. personfied in the form of an angel. through the taxi driver.

maybe you think i'm exaggerating. but i'm not. that's how i felt. and then the guilt creeped in, all those mean thoughts i had of God a few seconds ago. it just made me cry harder. how can i forget that his grace surpresses everything? as he said "till the very end of the age?". when i was nearing the back gate of my house, i told the uncle to just stop me there cos the cab fare was already 26-27 bucks, and i really felt so bad, i couldn't make him turn in despite all my tiredness and fatigue.

the uncle actually said "are you sure? where you stay? it's so dark i don't think it's safe for you to walk alone, i think i should turn in" (it was genuine concern, something i've never felt from a complete stranger, much less a taxi driver who's supposed to be earning my money to feed his family). at this point of time, it was really too much for me to handle, so i just told him i just stayed there and could go in through the back gate whilst still crying and sucking back tears. the uncle just went "you sure?" to which i nodded over and over.

and then i bowed my head as my angel drove away.

if this isn't God's doing, his grace for me, i don't know what else it was. back home, it took me a good 15 minutes to stop crying. and when i finally did, i did something i haven't done for forever.

i prayed.



and thank you em baby, for volunteering to cab down to pay the uncle back. even though you have school just 2 hours later. and you haven't slept properly the entire night cos of me. love <3