not another emo post (ignore please)

have you ever been so low? low enough you've cried till your heart wrenches and you feel it twisting every artery and vein into untangible knots? till your eyes are bloodshot, swollen and puffy? till your nose is entirely blocked you have no choice but to breathe through your mouth? till your cries are so hoarse and furious they don't sound like cries anymore but painful wheezing of the lungs and animalistic growling of the throat making it raw and sore?

i have.

have you ever been so low? low enough to feel that life just isn't worth living anymore? till you've actually mustered the courage to go to a stairwell, look down at the many levels below, and tell yourself, over and over, that pain is temporal and one jump is all it takes to end that excruciating pain that's driving you insane?

i have.

have you ever been so low? low enough till all you care about is yourself, and your pain. so painful that you don't mind overlooking the embarassment and crying in sight of others all because you want them to feel your pain. and hopefully, share your pain? till you think you've cried so much, you can't cry anymore, that you're numb and immune to all other form of pain, because nothing can possibly compare to this pain you're feeling?

i have.

have you ever? after all this time, wondered deep down why you've gone through and put yourself through this pain at all? only to discover that that pain's never left you all along?

i have.