ifeelso(ireallycan'texpresseither)

(please try not to read this, just let me rant okay?)

so many compressed thoughts and emotions overtaking me, and so i decided to blog, and now, when i finally do, nothing seems to come out except the fact that i keep typing, hitting the backspace, hesitating, and then doing it all over again.

honestly, i think i can't handle relationships. maybe i'm too childish, too overbearing, too selfish or too whatever negative adjectives i refuse to let myself think of right now. but i guess that's it. it's almost the same for majority of my relationships, so super fly at the beginning, and then it just goes downhill from there. i guess the problem lies with me.

i guess i'm just not girlfriend material. i hate to be restrained, controlled, dictated, but it seems i can't break free from it all. it's not this relationship, it's every relationship. funny how simplicity only leads to complexity eventually. i miss the beginning, the simple stupid rubbish chit-chat that makes me laugh, i miss quality time spent even if it's just the reptition of things e.g. walking aimlessly around town, i miss listening(to), i miss that, this, you, us, and so much more. everything, i miss it all.

i saw the missed call, but i'm sorry i didn't call back, even though i'm still awake. i just don't know what to say anymore. i'm afraid, i'm sceptic, of what's to come when i pick up, or what's to come when i don't. i miss those times i could be explainable only to myself, but of cos, once again it's my own selfish thinking and that is what crumbles a relationship. i just want to be happy, and for you to be happy (with me) as well.

i don't want to conceal any part of me, because that would make me miss me, very much. but then again, if i don't, we might not last, and i might miss you more than anything else. somehow, things feel different, not like before anymore. i wish i could tell you why, but i don't know myself either. i guess it all comes back to what i told you before, and that "people change, they do, and they will, it's just a matter of time".

i liked the way you were, the way we were. is it really time to say goodbye?

this somehow feels like deja vu, and i hate it, i really do.

i don't know what/how to feel anymore.
(and no questions relating to this post okay? to anyone in particular. as i said, it's just me.)